A Reason To Believe

Yesterday I wrote about my plans for 2014 in working towards my 50 by 50 bucket list. One thing I want to work on this year is losing weight. I know a lot of people want to loose weight to look or feel better but then there are others who need to loose weight for medical reasons.  I am one of those people who fall in to that latter category.  Luckily I am tall which means my BMI, although high, does not put me in the obese range.  But I do need to loose weight to help with medicals conditions.

I am quite sure that a few health issues may improve if I shifted some weight but I am aware that these conditions will always stay with me.  I am lucky to have three conditions, lets call them D, C and RA, that are classed as chronic as in they are long term and have a deliberating effect on daily activities.  It's not something I have discussed on my blog, I have mentioned a few times that I have Rheumatoid Arthritis (RA) which is an auto immune disease. The other two illness are also auto immune diseases too.

I have lived with these for 26 (D) and 20 (C) years and they do impact on my life a lot. They also impact on each other too.  I have only been diagnosed with RA for a couple of years but looking back and having seen how The Girl has been with her JIA, it is clear that those growing pains I had as a child were probably mild JIA.  Then as I got older and I was diagnosed with C the medication, which was actually a RA treatment, masked the symptoms for the next 18 years.  When I came off those drugs because of side effects that had come too much, within days I suddenly couldn't walk.

At the age of 38 I was finally given a reason why I was in so much pain and stiffness. It wasn't upsetting, it was a relief to know it wasn't in my head as my Mother had made me feel all those years ago.  There was a reason why I couldn't just get on with it and stop grizzling. A valid reason why a child should be listened to when they say they are in pain.  A reason why a child should not be belittled. A reason I wanted to tell my Mother.  A reason I wanted to shout loudly at her, but was too late as she had passed away some five years earlier.  A reason why I tend to over react when my own children say they are ill. The reason why they will always be believed when they say something is not right.

I apologise for digressing and bringing my Mother in to this post.  You see five days ago would have been the 7th anniversary of her death and to me the day just passed by like any other day.  It just didn't enter my head.  You see we didn't really get on, she was controlling, very controlling. It's taken a huge amount of counselling to get over how she made me feel, my confidence, my self worth were none existent.  I still have a long way to go but I know I will get there.  I know my One Little Word for 2014 will help me get over how she made me feel but I know that I need to let go of other family members who behaved the same way she did.  It's hard and upsetting knowing that I may never see my Nephew but I need to break the cycle. This behavior ends and my children will never be made to feel like that.

Well, I digressed again.  Last week I talked about liking cake but wanting to loose weight.  Cake is not good for loosing weight. Cake is not good for health issue D either.  It's another cycle that needs to be broken.

Then there is health issue C. The one that probably causes the most health problems with its side effects. Sometimes I'm not sure what is worse, the illness or the side effects of treatments.  When I was pregnant I had to come off some of the medication which I knew was a risk but wanted my little bundles to hold. When I was pregnant with The Girl, 11 years ago, I had back pains, really bad back pains.  My GP, midwives, Consultants all said "you are having a baby, you only just had one and now you are pregnant again, what do you expect". Then came "you've just had a baby, what do you expect".

What I didn't expect was this level of pain.  The Girl was born in July and 3 days before Christmas I collapsed and ended up having surgery.  A routine little op they told me and in a few weeks things would be better. Fast forward 5 years and 9 operations later.  I had been misdiagnosed. It was big complications with health issue C. Problem was when the complication  started, which they think was actually 12 months earlier than the onset of the pain, I was pregnant with The Boy and bits of my insides were not where they should be due to having a baby inside me, hence why the pain was in my back.

The Girl turns 11 this July and problems still exist.  The complication hasn't been fixed and never will.  After 9 operations I have huge amounts of scar tissue and nerve damage. Then there is an open wound, although tiny now, it won't heal. I fully appreciate the encouragement and advice given on this post but jumping up and doing housework with gusto is something that doesn't happen and never will. I can't stand or sit with good posture hence everything else hurts.  The only relief is lying down and you can't live life lying down all the while.  I have to set an example to my children that you must try your best, you must work hard, you persevere and you strive to be the best you can be.

I hint on this blog, Facebook & twitter about health issues but I really don't give the full reality.  The side effects of treatments and complications plus the other health hiccups are not something I am open with on social media.  Who wants to shout out that they are disabled, use crutches, a wheelchair and are the proud owner of 2 granny scooters.  Who wants to say publicly what others have to do for you.  Who wants to list all the meds you take but I will say Morphine is a wonderful thing; it lets me get out of bed each day.

I will leave you now, as I've wittered on too much, with the question as to how do I stay motivated to loose weight?

I am going to take Kate's suggestion and have a mini pamper session this week to perk me up.  Nail varnish will probably be limited to fingers as I am struggling to bend this week and The Girl's attempt at putting on nail varnish is to say at the least a little iffy.  I get a better effect if I empty the bottle from waist height straight on my feet and carpet.

I also want to make time for some crafting this week.

It will be fun to have a bit of me time and do things I enjoy.  As for my reason to believe, it's right here:

Come on Groovy Mums I know you can help.

Linking up with Kate for #GroovyMums                                                     and Lucy at Mother Wife Me for #AlllAboutYou