The big 4 0...
Middle aged...
When I think back to when I was a small child, 40 seemed old.
Really old...
Middle aged old...
But now I'm here I don't feel old. I just feel exhausted from trying to be the person the media tells me I should be. Trying to keep on top of the modern day rat race. I know I'm not alone in this but I'm a child of the 70's and I had it drummed in me, women can have it all. As a child in primary school I was one of the minority, my Mom went out to work. Very few mothers did then. I had it instilled in me to go to University and have a career and a family. Women could do it all.
I don't feel middle aged either. Surely when you are middle aged you should be secure in what you think and what you are doing. But I don't feel like that. I doubt myself and the choices I make on a daily basis. I am always questioning what I am doing and whether what I am doing it right. Shouldn't I feel like this if I am middle aged?
Back then, when to me 40 was old, I imagined by life to be so different from it is today. I imagined a caring husband, I went out to work to a job I loved, I made a difference, I had 3 blonde blue eyed angelic children and played domestic goddess in the evening and at weekends. How wrong I was! No caring husband, 2 blue eyed, dirty blonde unruly children and as for domestic goddess....well, life is just too short to be perfect and I'm too tired from trying to have it all. Don't get me wrong I do the home made cooking part but struggle with the dust free, clutter free, perfectly arranged and co-ordinated home.
But if life begins at 40, what ends at 39? Turning 40 has not changed anything for me.
So should I just sit back, keep calm and let life begin?
